September 12, 2000

My son Nathan was stillborn on June 12, 1999. We delivered in Fremont, but lived in Modesto. Heidi Olson from HAND called around Modesto to find a support group for my husband Randy and I. I had never been to a support group and didn't know what to expect. I thought no one would ever be able to relate to what I was feeling, even if they had been through a similar experience. I didn't think I really wanted to go. It took me about a month to work up the courage to call the phone number she gave me. I talked to Darla Harmon. She was very supportive and understanding and gave me the information about the group. The group was not scheduled to start until September, so we sought personal counseling in the meantime.

When we started our support group for Pregnancy and Infant Loss, I was very apprehensive. I didn't want to share my story with others. But, when we got there, we were the only couple with two facilitators to ourselves: Darla Harmon and Becca Coleman. They let us tell our story for the entire hour and a half. It felt really good to let out all of the emotion, without having to worry about others around us. My husband, Randy and I shared things that we hadn't shared with each other before, simply because our lives were so busy with our other children, jobs, household, etc. or because we hadn't let ourselves feel those things.

The second session, we had our facilitators all to ourselves again. That time we had the opportunity to hear a little of their stories. What an impact on me! I could really relate to some of the things they were sharing.

By the third meeting, I was really looking forward to our visits to our support group and missing our facilitators in between. A new couple attended this session and shared their story. I found myself grieving for them and was surprised that although their experience was different, some of what they said were the same words I had used in my own experience.

As new parent's joined the group I would hear things for them that would trigger memories in me that I had buried. We had a very special group and developed a special bonding. Their babies all became very special to me.

I found that in the support group all social boundaries are erased and all that matters is the common bond you share in your loss. I also discovered that the support group was more helpful to us than the personal counseling was, because our counselors had not been through a similar loss. They could give us textbook counseling, but not the empathy, understanding and bonding that our support group could. My personal counselor offered me 30 minutes to share my grief; my support group offered me 90 minutes (and more if we needed it). My personal counselor told me I should not feel guilty about my son's death, but I did; my support group understood all 101 reasons why I felt guilty and offered sympathy. My personal counselor basically told me that Nathan died, accept it and get over it; my support group showed me that it was okay to continue grieving. My personal counselor said that the time I spent remembering Nathan was not time with him; my support group understood that although I was not physically with him, I was spending time with him in my heart.

We continued our support group until late spring. We have found other ways to grieve for our son and to carry on his memory. We still keep in touch with a couple of people from group and really miss the others. We pray for their babies in church every week and keep them in our hearts. And I hope that we will have a reunion some day where we can share what we have done to keep the memories of our babies alive.

And I will recommend support groups to anyone who is going through something that the people around them cannot relate to.

Shonna Helm