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"Email From The Heart"
Sweetheart,
I read your e-mail just before I went to bed. I was thinking about what to
say when I turned out the light and the tears streamed unbidden down my face
for a long time. I guess that when I let myself go, I realize that I
probably have not worked through my grief because it is too painful. You'd
think that with all of my losses; my breasts, my insides, my husband, my
parents, my step son and my granddaughter I would be an expert in grieving,
but I guess I'm not.
I do not think that the pain of losing a grandchild can ever compare with
that of losing a child. When Jennifer was born I knew she was going to die.
I suspect that my fear of her death was governed this "knowledge". There were a
lot of tears and hysteria that I did not share with you for a variety of
reasons, one of which was that you seemed so optimistic. I fantasized that I
had the power to keep her alive and I pleaded with someone to do so. At that
point I would have done absolutely anything if I had the power to make her
well and live. Before her death I think I grieved mostly for myself and for
Jennifer. She bore my name and was the daughter you had waited for all of
your life and I could not bear the thought that she was suffering and might
die. After her death, however, all of my pain was because I saw you and
Scott (but mostly you) in the ultimate pain. What hurt the most was that my
beloved daughter was inconsolable and would be scarred for the rest of her
life and I couldn't do one bloody thing about it. To see someone who is your
life suffer as much as you did was unbearable and made me question
everything. I had to be strong and available for you so that is where I put
my effort. I put my own feelings on the back burner where I suspect they
have stayed since then. I'm not sure how well I ultimately coped with my
own feelings so I hesitate to advise other grandparents.
Janet Jacoby Kassler
Grandmother of Jennifer Jacoby Pickert 2/22/94 - 5/20/94
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