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What Not to Say
Psychological studies have shown that advice and expressions of reassurance are the most common
expressions of sympathy and at the same time are felt by bereaved people to be the least helpful. Such
statements tend to diminish the importance of the mourner's experience, to "take away their grief". They also
end up adding to the isolation of those who have experienced a loss, either leaving them convinced that
people just don't understand what they are going through or making them insecure about whether it is
"normal" to feel what they feel.
The following are examples of the kind of advice bereaved parents can do without:
- "Be brave. Don't cry."
- "It's time to put this behind you and get on with your life."
- "You shouldn't question God's will."
- "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
- "You should get out more."
Unhelpful reassurances like the following should also be avoided, since they tend to rationalize the tragedy
for the "comforter" at the expense of the valid feelings of the "comforted":
- "Death comes to all of us."
- "Death is a part of life."
- "This happened for the best."
- "It's all part of God's plan."
- "Be thankful you have another child."
- "You're young, you'll have other children."
- "There was probably something wrong with the baby, anyway."
- "It was better for the baby to die before you got to know it."
- "It wasn't really a person yet."
- "Now you have a little angel in heaven."
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